By Randall A. Schroeder, Ph.D.
1. REGRET
Regret is mild remorse or a slight feeling of sorrow for doing or saying something wrong. When you experience regret, you may say to yourself, “I should probably stop lying to my friend.” Regret differs from repentance in that there is only sadness and no desire to make a commitment to cease the behavior. Nonetheless, regret is the initial feeling that leads to repentance.
2. REPENTANCE
Repentance involves three steps:
a. identifying what you did or said that was wrong,
b. having genuine sorrow for your wrong, and
c. changing your behaviors so, with God's help, you do not commit the same wrong again.
Looking at the first example in the regret section, when truly repentant you understand that:
a. it was wrong to lie to your friend,
b. you have sorrow in your heart over the action, and
c. you make a commitment to never lie to your friend again.
3. APOLOGIZING
An apology can be expressed verbally or through a written note. At this stage, you not only apologize for committing the wrong with a statement like, “I am sorry for lying to you” but you also seek forgiveness by asking, “Will you please forgive me?”
4. FORGIVING
Please remember that forgiveness is a gift and a promise, not a feeling. Similar to a pastor pronouncing the absolution, once a person has repented and apologized, you announce that they are forgiven with the words, “I forgive you.” If declaring these words is particularly difficult for you to communicate honestly, then say, “With God's help, I will work at forgiving you.”
5. RECONCILIATION
This completes the process as you work on building a new, healthy relationship. After the apologizing and forgiving process, restoration of your relationship can occur as you live in the present and look to a more positive future.
Dr. Randy Schroeder is a counselor and award-winning author of books such as “Simple Habits for Marital Happiness” and “Simple Habits for Effective Parenting.” Read his weekly “Simple Yet Effective Habits” and find many other resources addressing marriage, parenting, and enjoying this life on his website, drrandyschroeder.com.