By Heidi Goehmann, LCSW, Deaconess

There was a time I thought friendship began with slumber parties and secrets shared in sleeping bags. I also thought friendship began on athletic fields and during recess or at the lunch table. I thought they were easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

I thought I must have been doing it wrong because it wasn’t so easy for me.

Then I grew up, and friendships got easier in some ways and harder in others. And whether it’s because I’m a therapist, or because I like coffee shops and conversation, or just because I’m interested in noticing things, I have noticed this:

Friendship is a struggle at any age. It’s a good struggle, but it isn’t something that will ever be easy in our lives.

Finding friendship is hard and growing friendship is hard. These are good things, but they are not easy things. I think our culture puts a certain amount of pressure to be good at relationships immediately, with very little effort, and little teaching, guiding, or helping. We each have an internal drama-avoidance meter, as well. When my kids have friendship drama at school, I feel incredibly put out. I want it to be their problem, not mine. I’m exhausted by the idea of more relational challenges in my life. Why? Because I have my own relationship issues to deal with.

What if I saw my kids’ challenges with friendship and my own challenges with relationship differently?

WHAT IF RELATIONSHIP STRUGGLES WEREN’T DRAMA, BUT LEARNING?

Relationships are hard work, and we don’t come out of the womb knowing how to be good at them. Some of what we need to know we learn from our families. Some of what we need to know we learn through the fire of trial and error, making mistakes and trying again.

Relationship struggles in our own lives, whether in friendship, family, or marriage, are an opportunity for much growth for each of us.

Intimacy is a developmental phase. We all go through it. We each must lay that identity formation foundation before we can truly be intimate with others. We are all a work in progress.

Here is the crux:

While we each must lay that identity formation foundation before we can truly be intimate with others, as we grow, we each must also be willing to be intimate in order to understand ourselves better.

This is how development works—in layers and repeats, rather than the simplistic phases I think we’d like to see. As we work through the challenges of friendships and relationships, especially with a desire to grow and a lens of progress not perfection, we will root out the parts of ourselves that need growth and also to be able to see the places we have grown. This gives us a clearer picture of who we are and who we’d like to be.

AUTHENTICITY + CONNECTION + INTIMACY = REAL RELATIONSHIP

RELATIONSHIP + CONNECTION + INTIMACY = A MORE AUTHENTIC VERSION OF ME

Friendships take time, energy, investment, work, forgiveness, and a fair amount of awkwardness, but the outcome is glorious.

Writer, licensed clinical social worker, and theologian, Heidi Goehmann produces resources that advocate for mental health and genuine relationships. Check out her book, “Finding Hope” and download a free chapter at heidigoehmann.com/finding-hope.

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