By Rev. K.C. Dehning
Grief is a natural reaction to the death of a loved one, and grief extends beyond the funeral. You may be feeling fine and then get hit with a wave of grief when the calendar rolls around to a wedding anniversary or the birthday of a child that has died (no matter the age of the child). Holidays may also bring grief as there is a natural void of the loved one who has died.
A wave of grief can also come upon you in unexpected places, such as Sunday morning worship when you are sitting alone. When you are shopping for groceries, there is no one to call to make sure you are buying the right product or there is no one to help carry out the groceries, and you must rely on the person bagging to help carry the groceries to the car. Vacations take on an entirely different experience when the one you love is no longer there to experience your favorite vacation spot together. Waves of grief can come upon you in each of those times and in other unexpected times and places.
Most everyone is acquainted with the five stages of grief, popularized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I do not intend to explain these various stages and help you discern where you are in the grieving process because everyone grieves in their own way and not necessarily in a 1 - 2 - 3 ordering of the various stages. Instead, I will approach grief from a pastoral perspective and explore how persistent grief may affect your mental health.
Recalling memories can assist with processing the grief we all experience. Share some of your favorite memories with your friends and family and let them support you by listening.
Do not neglect attending Sunday morning worship, for in the Divine Service, the Gospel will provide a soothing balm. Remember that both you and your loved one are baptized into Christ. This is a present reality. In the Divine Service, Holy Communion can provide sweet comfort as you remember the words of the Proper Preface, “Therefore with angels and archangels and with all the company of heaven …” (“Lutheran Service Book: Altar Book”). These words remind us that when we commune, we are communing with all the company of heaven, including our loved ones who have died before us. Receiving the Holy Sacrament, we have an eternal connection in Christ with our loved ones.
While it is OK to grieve, persistent grief could be problematic. Letting grief consume your every waking hour obscures the Gospel and can lead to depression and anxiety.
I know the difficulties of depression and anxiety, not from grief, but from the pressure of serving my congregation, trying to do everything myself, and not asking for help. In 2023, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and spent three months on disability away from my congregation. Mental health treatment — intensive therapy, medication, learning coping skills, and the importance of self-care AND the Gospel— is making recovery possible for me. It is the Gospel that has had the greatest impact on my recovery.
If you are experiencing persistent grief, turn to your pastor who will provide spiritual care for your hurting soul. He will redirect you to the Gospel of Christ, sharing Bible passages that can provide hope and comfort, and praying for and with you that our heavenly Father will comfort you. If you are feeling down and depressed for two weeks or longer, seek help from a mental health professional who will meet you where you are emotionally, show you unconditional positive regard, and, along with your pastor, help you process the grief you are experiencing.
When grieving, remember grief is natural and everyone grieves differently. Persistent grief is problematic and may result in depression and anxiety. Seek the care of your pastor and a mental health professional to help you process your grief. They will help you express your grief in healthy ways. Your pastor will deliver the Gospel to you through pastoral care and the Divine Service.
It is the Gospel that ultimately provides comfort for those who grieve.
The Rev. K.C. Dehning serves as a director on the board for Cross Connections of Tippecanoe County (Indiana). He is retired from congregational ministry after serving for 30-plus years.