The balance of emotional intimacy & social connections

By Thomas Moll
Director of Content & Innovation

My grandmother on my mother’s side lived in a small Iowa town. The last 30 years of her life, she lived alone but wasn’t lonely. She had deep family and church connections. She had opportunities to grow, to connect, to flourish as a Christian woman who lived more than 100 years on this earth.

A lot of factors were present for my grandmother that aren’t the case for many older adults in the United States. She had a family who lived close by and helped her stay in her own home. She had an active congregation that supported the faith needs of older adults. She had resources in her community that supported her physical needs.

When I say that my grandmother lived alone, but wasn’t lonely, this exposes the difference between loneliness and isolation. Loneliness is a subjective feeling of lacking meaningful social connections, while social isolation is an objective state of having few social contacts. You can feel lonely even when surrounded by people, and you can be socially isolated without feeling lonely. Another way to put this is that loneliness occurs when there’s a deficiency in our need for emotional intimacy due to lack of social connections.

You might be asking yourself, “Is it so bad to feel alone from time to time?” We know that there is nothing wrong with having time away from other people. In the Bible we see Jesus withdrawing, taking some precious alone time, to pray. In order for us to think and process the world and to talk to our God, it’s good to be alone.

We also know, as Christians, that some feelings drive us to call out for God, to support and to rely on our neighbors, and feeling lonely can certainly spur us on to take positive action. Things get serious when loneliness becomes chronic—when feelings of loneliness don’t fade but stay for the long term.

In her book “The Loneliness Epidemic,” Susan Mettes describes chronic loneliness: “Chronic loneliness is defined by deficiency and distress, and it has destructive effects on human life and creativity. Chronic loneliness is rooted in unquenchable insecurity. Such loneliness pushes people toward death, senility, heart trouble, and poor response to disease.”

From a research project that Worship Anew conducted with Barna Group called “Aging Well,” we found that loneliness is a real problem with older adults, especially with older adults who would describe themselves as dependent. More than twice the number of dependent older adults (compared to independent seniors) said that they always felt “lonely and isolated from others.”

We may be tempted to become hopeless about the epidemic of loneliness in this country, but there are reasons to be hopeful. Hebrews 4:15 (ESV) states, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” We have a Savior who can relate to our feelings of loneliness and our states of isolation. He took the hard road to the cross, knowing the pain and isolation it would bring Him, so that we might never be alone. And though it is difficult to be dependent on others, it is a wonderful gift our God gives us to not only love and serve our neighbor, but also to be loved and served by others.

If there are a couple of tasks you find difficult or laborious on your own, reach out to someone to do it with you. Depending on others strengthens connections. Doing a task together can be a great way to make social situations less uncomfortable if you’re more introverted by nature.

It may seem strange, but friendships and the relationships that we choose can help even more with loneliness than our relationships with family. Researchers don’t know exactly why this is the case, but it could be because it connects to our other psychological needs to have a sense of autonomy over our decisions and relationships. It takes work and a multitude of small decisions to maintain a friendship. When that work pays off, it’s deeply rewarding.

Proverbs 27:17 (ESV) reminds us that, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Friendships take hard work, but they make us better by challenging certain thoughts and behaviors.

If you feel like you’d like more social connections but don’t know where to start, the church is a great place to begin. There have been numerous studies that highlight the benefits of church involvement. From the joy of communal singing to the numerous opportunities for social connections and deep engagement, many churches have wonderful resources to strengthen community. If you don’t have a church home, you can look for one at locator.lcms.org or give Worship Anew a call at (888) 286–8002, and we can help you or a loved one find a church in your community.

If you’re a part of a church community, talk to your church leaders about addressing issues with loneliness in your church community. Make plans to reach out to those who may be socially isolated. Start community events such as hymn sings and find volunteers to offer rides so that you can remove common barriers to finding social connections.

As believers, we know that we are never alone. We have a God who loves us and will never forsake us. May we continue every day in that hope, knowing that we can do something to help others with loneliness by picking up the phone and making a call.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”

Hebrews 4:15 (ESV)