By Donna Arthur Downs
Even when death is expected, once life finally passes, grief hits. Hard. The closer the relationship, the more prominent the loneliness. It comes at us from every angle at all hours, often leaving us feeling helpless and void. At times, we want to close ourselves off and refuse to be vulnerable again or get close enough to experience pain again.
And that’s when we’re adults.
Watching my aging parents’ health fail over the past couple of years, I began to wonder how my grandchildren would face the demise of their great-grandparents. In turn, I wondered how they will react someday when I’m gone. It was then that I formulated the words to “Always and Forever,” my children’s picture book about a little girl whose grandma has died, though the grandma promised to be with her “always and forever.”
When children experience grief, adults often struggle to find words to answer the “why” question or to know how to respond to a child’s anguish.
A wise woman once recommended, “What shall I do with this experience, Lord?”
An unwise man once said to yell and kick the trash can.
Which is the better answer when we are coming alongside the grieving? The wisdom of the first might be harder, but it’s guaranteed to get better results. “Lord, how do I both survive my mourning and help those who are grieving around me?”
Humbly asking for next steps means praying without ceasing to have the wisdom and emotional intelligence to mourn well with others, especially children.
When youngsters are involved, specifically those facing death for the first time, we struggle even more to know how to react and encourage. The simplest responses are sometimes the best. Some responses are immediate; others are more planned.
Acknowledge the grief. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to feel lonely. As adults, we feel it, too. We can’t be afraid to agonize with the children in our lives. It shows our humanness.
Words aren’t always necessary. Sometimes, just sitting close and holding a hand or putting an arm around a shoulder is enough. Words cannot enhance those moments.
Encourage youngsters to share good memories, especially stories that are funny or describe fun times together. Sharing brings people back to our hearts and minds, even though they’re not physically with us. Remembering stories conveys how the deceased are still a part of us and likely always will be.
Pull out some paper and colored pencils or markers and spend time together drawing representations of the one who has passed. Engulfing ourselves in something tangible not only draws us closer to the person’s memory but also solidifies the remembrance. This can be a catharsis for both young and old.
Plant a tree, butterfly bush, or flowering plant of some type in memory of the loved one. Seeing something blossom either in a season or year-round is representative of recollected life, ongoing life, and new life. The blossoms also draw living creatures to the plant, symbolic of life drawing from life.
Don’t be afraid to ask how the child is feeling. Sometimes we think avoiding the subject lessens the hurt. It doesn’t; it just buries it deeper. Let others know it’s OK to talk about our hurt, frustrations, and grief. Talking doesn’t always make it hurt less, but it acknowledges that we’re hurting just as much as others. Shared emotions can open doors to healing.
People experience the effects of death in distinctive ways; the key is to acknowledge that each of us feels deeply, each of us feels loss, and each of us comes at death from a different perspective. Wherever we are in our journey, we are not alone. It’s especially important to acknowledge the grief of children and let them know we are walking beside them.
As I wrote and published “Always and Forever,” my prayer was that it would touch all age groups at different intervals in their grief struggles and help inspire people to be vulnerable, grow relationships, and create memories that will sustain us for years to come and keep those who pass on forever alive in our hearts.
Donna Arthur Downs is the Associate Professor of Communication at Taylor University in Upland, Ind., and the author of “Always and Forever.” The book is available from redemption-press.com/BOOKSTORE/.